Shades of Gray

There is a place where the light meets the dark. Just between the two there is a small transition that lay in gray. It that place we lose ourselves. North becomes South and East becomes West. Direction is all but evident. For some of us we go there intentionally. Over and over again we find comfort there in the familiarity of uncertainty. A great deal are actually born into it and thus becomes the only world we know. Time spent there is dependent on the willingness to step either into the light or the other way into the peril.
Lately I have found myself resting there. At times in different seasons we pass from light to dark not noticing the gray. Looking for validation or meaning externally requires me to give my power away. We can search for approval endlessly in the many forms. In the hands of others. Recognition from work. Success in the eyes of our neighbors. A nod from a pleased father. All of these could be important but its when it becomes vital in order to approve of ourselves, that's when the gray crosses over to dark. Awareness of the transition is where the power begins to be taken back. With my life rapidly approaching halfway being over I would like to begin keeping my power to do with as I see fit. Its only when the result is continually unfavorable do I seem to want to make a change. There is value in the struggle.

Everybody Hurts?

Is it true that everybody hurts? Is it true that we are all broken? Most of my life I learned through religion that we were all broken and always would be while we were here on this earth. I was taught that this life was to be endured and I was dirty and tainted just for being born. Pretty crappy outlook, not much good news at all. What I have found is that life hurts. People wrong people. Parents hit children, friends take advantage of their friends, men and women cheat on each other, governments lie to the masses, animals are exploited, racism still exists, equality is a myth, loved ones die, on and on and on. One could see all of these examples and judge that this world is a waste or wonder "What's the use anyway".
  
The realization of a need for grace is where healing begins.

It is true that everybody hurts and that we are all in need of love. Love is the great healer. What parents heart is not warmed with the love of a child? What friend isn't comforted when their hugged in a time of need by a friend? Everyone is in need of love. Whether they are able to receive it is another story. There is a road that leads to healing and compassion and acceptance. Many are walking around in circles, head looking down in desperation trying to find a way out of the pain. They don't even realize they are on the road already. Its free for all of us, if we will choose to look up. 4's

Choosing Choice

 Choice. Seems to be my favorite word these days. I once lived in a lie that told me there were no choices. Endurance was the only option. No money, deal with it. Bad relationship, deal with it. Life issues, deal with it. Over time it creates a lot of pressure on a soul.
 In the days of my childhood it was taught that anything to do with self was bad and that we were to anxiously await the shedding of this body and this dismal world for a better one in heaven.

Today I choose self. What that means is that in everything I have a choice. In that choice I also have an opportunity to choose what suites me, without choosing the guilt of being selfish. Now, please don't get me wrong. There is a fine line between considering one's self and self indulgence. I have had the priviledge to experience both. However, in times past myself wasn't even an option. My desire was, but not self. First I had to identify self and that was going back to the beginning where somewhere along the way self got lost, or stolen in some cases. Once I found self, I brought self with me to the here and now. Now I have the option to choose self in all situations.

There have been a lot of thieves along our paths that have robbed us from ourselves. Sometimes that culprit was even us. The truth of the matter is that none of them had the strength to hold on to their spoils. They only led us to believe they did. What they took was not theirs and all we have to do is boldly stand and take it back. The lies will get stronger the more upright we stand but as long as we keep our eyes focused on the truth, the lie will lose it's influence. From that moment on we have the choice to choose self, if we choose.

As The System Turns

Today I am very aware of the line between system and truth. I have come to understand that the system requires me to produce and consume. The system measures me and compares me based on my earning capacity. The system qualifies me if i have a good credit history or if I am in need of government assistance. The system has rules and consequences for behavior based on perception. Depending on where you were born or reside means the difference between getting served sweet tea or non sweet tea, the acceptance of equal rights and even the availability of illegal drugs. The system labels and judges how a man should act or what a woman should say and how we raise our kids.

Imagine a world where none of the things previously mentioned existed. No judgements, no labels, no desire for more than others. No budgets or skewed lines of ethics to gain more revenue. No need to secure a stable future. There is where the truth lies. The truth is that we are all worthy of goodness no matter where we have been or what we have done. The insistent need to be right is only a futile attempt to prove ones worthiness to himself. It matters not the gifts that are given to each human, only that it be used to benefit others. We are born slaves to the system of this world at the mercy of those who came before us. It is only when we realize that we have a choice to participate that we take the power back.

The system does not get to define who we are. We may choose to pay our taxes, car payments, childcare, grocery bill, gas prices, educational endeavors etc. However, today i will not feel less than if i struggle to do so. I will take comfort in the truth and that is I am loved by many. You are too.

No Humming Please

There is a business that hums. The humming begins the moment we wake. It takes the form of thoughts echoing in our heads. "What day is today, what do i have to do, where do i have to be, what will i wear, what time is it, how long will it take, what did i eat last night"? Humming, humming, humming. As if the noise wasn't enough it gets increasingly louder as we interact with others and their attitudes, thoughts, judgements etc. Even as we lay down at night there is still humming. Is there any escape? Stillness and silence reverberate our basic nature and that is merely "being". Human being. Not "human doing" or thinking or eating or singing..............just being.
Tonight as i ate dinner i saw my creation for the first time. Two of my children there in front of me feeding on the pasta that i provided for them. I experienced them being. I could not tell you what they said but i sat in awe, marveling as they chewed and love poured out in the form of tears down my face.
There is a secret place away from the humming and the business that our minds perpetuate. Absent from thought or feeling. Locked deep inside each and every one of us is a place separate from the world. It was there when we were created. Before we had a chance to reflect or analyze or anything. In that place lies our true nature, our "being". In that place love abounds and acceptance is freely given. What a wonderful retreat from the everyday humming that consumes our lives. I never knew this place existed but it was only because i looked everywhere for it except the one place it actually is, within. The humming will always be, but we can escape as often as we choose to the human being in all of us.

On Waves of Grace

Before the creation of the world i was intended to be free. I sit here and absorb what it means to be "made in his image". Just a few words, "Made", "In", "His", "Image". Mine eyes are drawn to just two letters. "In". Inside, part of, enveloped. I ask myself, what does this mean for an intentional, accepted, secure man? I was made in him. The very best parts of the inner workings are what i am composed of. In him there is no shame, no condemnation. In him there is love and freedom and laughter. There is joy and peace and grace. This is the essence of me and the very nature of my soul. With everyday that passes i see evidence inside of others that they are created the same, whether they know it or not. Whether they accept it or not. So much time spent in the wrestling with lies and schemes to rob me of my nature. So much haze and fog i looked through peering for a glimpse of hope that what i believed myself to be was false. As a stranded castaway looks hopefully yet looses hope for a rescue so was i seemingly hopeless. I looked on the horizon for a miracle but came to realize that everything i needed to set sail had been given to me from the beginning. It was my own folly to think that my fate lay in the hands of an outside source and was my prevail to construct my own boat to carry me away. Today I am riding on the waves of creation basking in the light of the son. He shines brightly on my face and is indeed very fond of me. Where my destination lies is of no consequence and by no means absolute. The beauty is in the ride.   

Southern Man

I was born in 1974 which makes me a child of the eighties. Being from the south (Louisiana) there were traditions passed down that entailed milestones that transformed a boy into a man. Some of those would be frog giggin on the bayou during the summer or runnin yo-yos, catchin white perch in the winter. Southern boys always mark their face with the blood of the first deer they shoot. Southern boys love their mommas and protect their sisters (even if they are older). Southern boys hold the door for girls and ladies and never set their cowboy hat down on the brim.
Another characteristic of Southern boys is that they never cry or show weakness. For me i took great pride in that and it made me a great soldier. When life began to hit me hard i would take it on the chin, dust myself off and get back up. These days i have seen have that has hindered me. The truth of matter is that even men are designed to be vulnerable. As I began to strip down the hardened walls i once hid behind, i saw a mountain of a man cry one day. As i watched him from across they room i waited for signs of weakness but they never came. It was as if he doubled in size and strength as i watched him pour his heart out watching his daughter play for the first time in a long time. That man taught me that tears are stronger than the hardest steel and are evidence that even mountains have a soul. These days i am more complete as a man when i expose my heart. Today I choose to show that even a Southern boy whose was calloused can transform into a Southern man that weeps. Thank you Alan.

Momma made this Joy

I heard said once that "Mother is the name for God, on the lips and hearts of all children". Such a pure example of unconditional love. It was in that love that they would learn the ways of kindness, gentleness, tenderness, forgiveness.
She has little eyes look at her everyday. Those eyes are sometimes crying when a nap is desperately needed, yet sometimes smeared with purple when she has gotten into momma's make up. Yellow curls filled with life as they run bare footed almost everywhere they go. Momma made this joy.
She has hair that matches her eyes, as dark as chocolate yet shimmers even in dim light. It could be the light that causes the effect but we know different. The shimmer is a combination of two parts beauty and two parts giving. She is soft when she speaks and loves to create. She wants to care for others the way her momma has shown her. Momma made this joy.
He is a constant reminder of his daddy, unsure of friends, unsure of his way, unsure everyday. He picks and prods at his sisters and want so much to run and play. One thing he is certain of, there is always softness in the arms of his momma where he can run anytime he wants. Momma made this joy.

On a day like this we remember. She is the reason. Happy Mothers Day Momma.

No more "More"

Its as if I am a jar. Clear on the outside, letting light shine through. The lid is on tight. So tight as to not let any of the contents out as well as not let any foreign materials in. My outsides are rigid yet fragile. Raised decoration on the outside exists only to appear not plain or uninteresting. Not long ago my lid repeatedly lifted in an effort for me to fill my life. I would fill it with more. More of what i perceived valuable to me. Praise, recognition, achievement, success, euphoria, money, pleasure, validation, spirituality and on and on. An ever flowing stream of externals is what i sought. A little would feel good and if that be the case than more must feel even better. More money, more sex, more friends, more facebook (wink) more meaning of who I am and where I came from, even where I was going. Tonight i stumbled on this truth in my life. The opposite of "more" is "enough". From the earliest of memories i must have been taught the more equaled better. As I rest in the peace of "enough" i am able to see what has always been the truth. I am enough. Every moment we have is exactly enough. The very existence of our being and the ability to involuntarily breathe in and out as we sleep is enough. What awe it is to experience a glorious sun rising in the east or soak in the warmth of a child's hug. Free from the necessity of more. My story was complete the second i was created by his will, and it was enough. No need for anything to be added or taken away. I, you, we are enough.

Got Community?

Very few times in my life have i experienced community. Growing up in the city taught me not to trust outsiders or even let others get close. Every night on the news there was some story of someone being taken advantage of by someone else in one way or another. The safest thing to do in my mind was just to trust my immediate family. Even though at times emotional crimes were committed on a daily basis by them as well. I heard that there was a community in the church. A kinship of believers who supported each other and gave their burdens to one another. I looked there for a number of years and each encounter proved to me that "community" was claimed but rarely practiced, except in extremely tragic times. Loss of a life or a divorce etc. I noticed that the everyday saw few visitors from the community. Thats when we need it the most right? Eventually the skepticism turned into a sense of synisism and it seemed all hope was lost. When the walls started closing in and i looked around l was all alone, panic set in,. I wanted to cry for help but my experience had been that no one would here me anyway. What is one to do? Where do we go? After years of being beaten up by adversity and struggle (much of which was self induced) community found me.
 Would you believe me if i told you that we have never been alone? My actions, pain, loss, behavior, thoughts, intent or anythings else has never or will ever separate me from this community. It took me being able to expose my soul to others, the good, the bad, the indifferent, and have them love me anyway. Not just the idea of love. The physical feeling and experience of love. The affirmations, the hugs, the tears, the knowing. When you feel that feeling you are experiencing the creators love the way it was intended. With that revelation i discovered i never wanted to live the lie of separation from love again. The world tries over and over and the ego as well attempts to sway me to isolation and feelings of "not good enough". When that happens i merely look around at the community and rest in the assurance and evidence that love is here. I understand that the community is there, i just have to choose to live loved.

Loosing Footing

When was the first time you lost footing? When I was a boy I used to take a lot of fishing trips. Mostly by myself to nearby ponds and tanks located near our suburb. The great thing about being raised in the country and learning how to really fish is that many people in the city did not know what they had in their own back yard or how to get the most out of it. Funny how that mirrors an assortment of things. For the sake of the story we will stay on the fishing trail. I learned early that fish would eventually move to areas where there was less traffic (constant fishing). That being said they would usually hold up in an area that was hard to get to by fisherman. For the dedicated young angler, the more willing you are to take risk the better the chances are of landing a good one. That may mean wading out to a lone rock or scaling up an embankment to get just the right position to display your lure. I can recall numerous times when that rock would have some wet moss on it or the embankment would have some loose ground on it and cause me to loose my footing. The result being a long wet ride home on the bicycle and usually no fish.
When I apply that to today i see some striking comparisons. I have spent a lot of time pursuing the big catch in my life's journeys. Some say its ambition, fulfillment, material gain, status, you plug in whatever consumes your extra time (if you have any). I have caught a few keepers even at times, pretty wife, good kids, good job, nice house etc. All of these i have displayed on my wall for all to see the trophies i have acquired or  "the blessings God has given me" which is still the politically correct way of saying "because i am so good". Still there is an emptiness and a longing for more. That has to be it right? All of these things are good but if i really was thankful then i should get great satisfaction and rest. So again I venture out into the risk to make a good cast of my lure. I wade out to the rock searching for the bigger catch, the next fulfillment when all of a sudden i loose my footing. Life and reality erupt in my world. Discovered affair, loss of a job, financial trouble maybe all of the above. Intense panic sets in feeling like a million needles sticking be all over my body which is the adrenalin. As i plunge into the water the thoughts race through my head "how did i get here" or "how could i be so stupid". Ever been there? I am glad because that little story has nothing to do with the point i want to make.

What would it look like to you if everything that you had built your life upon, every decision you made, every thing you had was all built on lies that you told yourself. For instance: "It was just a strict upbringing", or "he's really cool when he isn't drinking." How about "I really and truly deserved it." Would that cause someone to loose their footing? It seems that i have. I am in the water flailing about and wearily walking back to my bike. The beautiful thing is that i am aware that the fish i didn't catch may have just saved my life. It wouldn't have satisfied anyway. The problem is in the wanting outside of myself.
Today I make the choice to look at the pond of life as a gift that was given to just enjoy. I don't have to extract trophies from it or even seek my approval from it. I choose to just pull up a chair, cast out a line and enjoy the moment.

Consuming System

The world is strong. The more i find myself in the system the more i feel the system taking hold. Worry, doubt, anger, fear, insecurity are all products of living day to day. Last night i watched "The Passion" again. It took on a new meaning than the first time. I saw the world of hierarchy totally miss who was standing in front of them. Because they were so consumed with right or wrong that presents itself in the system as choices, they missed the purity of the Son of God right in front of them. Not only that but they destroyed the Messiah thus fulfilling the prophets of old.
I sincerely pray that i do not become a product of this world. As i have tried for years to be a part of the system, i have discovered that the system is a machine that engulfs everything, strips it of it's purpose and spits it out in its wake. We have been convinced that we need to get on and play the game better than anyone so we can get the most out of it. Truth is that the rewards that the system produces do not quench and do not last, we are left with emptiness. The joy that exists from "being" satisfies. When I relax and stop trying to squeeze what i can out for my benefit, that's when i can see what actions i have been taking and what i have been squeezing. Today i choose to separate myself from the system and stop viewing it as a host to feed my hunger for material things and status. Today i want to look as the system spins and understand that the choice is mine to get on or not.  I have not done a good job of that lately. For the first time because of my lack luster performance, i do not feel a sense of failure but of victory. You see the triumph is acknowledging that the system has its pull. Because i feel the pull and know where it comes from, that means i can resist. The power is in the knowing.

Discovering Now

I look around at all of the captivity that I once was in. Busy going here or there. Countless hour after hour of communicating to someone about what we have done in an effort to gain understanding. I once looked to those around me to confirm that I was accepted and at the same time rejected. The tape plays over and over in my head. "They will soon know how inadequate you are, It's a matter of time before you are found out, Eventually they will see you for the failure you are". The loathing plays over and over and over and over and over again. I try to climb out of the mire to walk upright. Shame had weighed me down to the point that I could not function. Even this very compilation is referencing the past and therefore is futile. Right now the fire is going, the lights are on, i can hear the click of the keys as i touch them and this is the now. This is where life exists. Right now there are no failures, no regrets, no victories to boast about. All there is, is here. I never knew "here" existed. Time was either then or there. The constraints of time begin limiting and confining. Sweetness is breaking through to the timeless paradigm which is now. Along with the now is a sorrow for the slaves of time and the weighted down people who try day in and day out to swim but are tangled by the feet and therefore only are able to tread. For me i became weary and sank. Surrender gave way to awareness of a different way to live. One that is happening and continues to unfold. I am thankful to God for loving me so very much that he made me. I will spend my time regretfully in the system that we have built but escape every time I can to the now. In the now is all around me and always has been but I missed it. Until now.

First Day Back

First day back. Now that i have become aware of the seperation of "self" from Being, all at once the world looks different. For years I have looked through the stained glass in an effort to find reason and meaning. All the time spent and the energy given towards trying to find the answer to life as i knew it seems to have been futile. Deep inside I know that it was not futile but only a means to an end. The pain had to become so dramatically motivating for me to search for a different way. I am thankful for the discoveries that i am making and how that is unfolding through new eyes. Even the way that I create these words have changed. Once i wrote with a purpose of the creation being viewed and what impact, if any, would the creation have on others once they viewed it. It seems today that just creating is enough. There is an overwhelming grattitude that i have, fully knowing that this world has much delight and excitement in the now. I need not worry of the past or project what is to come, that only dilutes the taste of this second. Thank you God for creating me to Be me.