Southern Man

I was born in 1974 which makes me a child of the eighties. Being from the south (Louisiana) there were traditions passed down that entailed milestones that transformed a boy into a man. Some of those would be frog giggin on the bayou during the summer or runnin yo-yos, catchin white perch in the winter. Southern boys always mark their face with the blood of the first deer they shoot. Southern boys love their mommas and protect their sisters (even if they are older). Southern boys hold the door for girls and ladies and never set their cowboy hat down on the brim.
Another characteristic of Southern boys is that they never cry or show weakness. For me i took great pride in that and it made me a great soldier. When life began to hit me hard i would take it on the chin, dust myself off and get back up. These days i have seen have that has hindered me. The truth of matter is that even men are designed to be vulnerable. As I began to strip down the hardened walls i once hid behind, i saw a mountain of a man cry one day. As i watched him from across they room i waited for signs of weakness but they never came. It was as if he doubled in size and strength as i watched him pour his heart out watching his daughter play for the first time in a long time. That man taught me that tears are stronger than the hardest steel and are evidence that even mountains have a soul. These days i am more complete as a man when i expose my heart. Today I choose to show that even a Southern boy whose was calloused can transform into a Southern man that weeps. Thank you Alan.

Momma made this Joy

I heard said once that "Mother is the name for God, on the lips and hearts of all children". Such a pure example of unconditional love. It was in that love that they would learn the ways of kindness, gentleness, tenderness, forgiveness.
She has little eyes look at her everyday. Those eyes are sometimes crying when a nap is desperately needed, yet sometimes smeared with purple when she has gotten into momma's make up. Yellow curls filled with life as they run bare footed almost everywhere they go. Momma made this joy.
She has hair that matches her eyes, as dark as chocolate yet shimmers even in dim light. It could be the light that causes the effect but we know different. The shimmer is a combination of two parts beauty and two parts giving. She is soft when she speaks and loves to create. She wants to care for others the way her momma has shown her. Momma made this joy.
He is a constant reminder of his daddy, unsure of friends, unsure of his way, unsure everyday. He picks and prods at his sisters and want so much to run and play. One thing he is certain of, there is always softness in the arms of his momma where he can run anytime he wants. Momma made this joy.

On a day like this we remember. She is the reason. Happy Mothers Day Momma.

No more "More"

Its as if I am a jar. Clear on the outside, letting light shine through. The lid is on tight. So tight as to not let any of the contents out as well as not let any foreign materials in. My outsides are rigid yet fragile. Raised decoration on the outside exists only to appear not plain or uninteresting. Not long ago my lid repeatedly lifted in an effort for me to fill my life. I would fill it with more. More of what i perceived valuable to me. Praise, recognition, achievement, success, euphoria, money, pleasure, validation, spirituality and on and on. An ever flowing stream of externals is what i sought. A little would feel good and if that be the case than more must feel even better. More money, more sex, more friends, more facebook (wink) more meaning of who I am and where I came from, even where I was going. Tonight i stumbled on this truth in my life. The opposite of "more" is "enough". From the earliest of memories i must have been taught the more equaled better. As I rest in the peace of "enough" i am able to see what has always been the truth. I am enough. Every moment we have is exactly enough. The very existence of our being and the ability to involuntarily breathe in and out as we sleep is enough. What awe it is to experience a glorious sun rising in the east or soak in the warmth of a child's hug. Free from the necessity of more. My story was complete the second i was created by his will, and it was enough. No need for anything to be added or taken away. I, you, we are enough.

Got Community?

Very few times in my life have i experienced community. Growing up in the city taught me not to trust outsiders or even let others get close. Every night on the news there was some story of someone being taken advantage of by someone else in one way or another. The safest thing to do in my mind was just to trust my immediate family. Even though at times emotional crimes were committed on a daily basis by them as well. I heard that there was a community in the church. A kinship of believers who supported each other and gave their burdens to one another. I looked there for a number of years and each encounter proved to me that "community" was claimed but rarely practiced, except in extremely tragic times. Loss of a life or a divorce etc. I noticed that the everyday saw few visitors from the community. Thats when we need it the most right? Eventually the skepticism turned into a sense of synisism and it seemed all hope was lost. When the walls started closing in and i looked around l was all alone, panic set in,. I wanted to cry for help but my experience had been that no one would here me anyway. What is one to do? Where do we go? After years of being beaten up by adversity and struggle (much of which was self induced) community found me.
 Would you believe me if i told you that we have never been alone? My actions, pain, loss, behavior, thoughts, intent or anythings else has never or will ever separate me from this community. It took me being able to expose my soul to others, the good, the bad, the indifferent, and have them love me anyway. Not just the idea of love. The physical feeling and experience of love. The affirmations, the hugs, the tears, the knowing. When you feel that feeling you are experiencing the creators love the way it was intended. With that revelation i discovered i never wanted to live the lie of separation from love again. The world tries over and over and the ego as well attempts to sway me to isolation and feelings of "not good enough". When that happens i merely look around at the community and rest in the assurance and evidence that love is here. I understand that the community is there, i just have to choose to live loved.

Loosing Footing

When was the first time you lost footing? When I was a boy I used to take a lot of fishing trips. Mostly by myself to nearby ponds and tanks located near our suburb. The great thing about being raised in the country and learning how to really fish is that many people in the city did not know what they had in their own back yard or how to get the most out of it. Funny how that mirrors an assortment of things. For the sake of the story we will stay on the fishing trail. I learned early that fish would eventually move to areas where there was less traffic (constant fishing). That being said they would usually hold up in an area that was hard to get to by fisherman. For the dedicated young angler, the more willing you are to take risk the better the chances are of landing a good one. That may mean wading out to a lone rock or scaling up an embankment to get just the right position to display your lure. I can recall numerous times when that rock would have some wet moss on it or the embankment would have some loose ground on it and cause me to loose my footing. The result being a long wet ride home on the bicycle and usually no fish.
When I apply that to today i see some striking comparisons. I have spent a lot of time pursuing the big catch in my life's journeys. Some say its ambition, fulfillment, material gain, status, you plug in whatever consumes your extra time (if you have any). I have caught a few keepers even at times, pretty wife, good kids, good job, nice house etc. All of these i have displayed on my wall for all to see the trophies i have acquired or  "the blessings God has given me" which is still the politically correct way of saying "because i am so good". Still there is an emptiness and a longing for more. That has to be it right? All of these things are good but if i really was thankful then i should get great satisfaction and rest. So again I venture out into the risk to make a good cast of my lure. I wade out to the rock searching for the bigger catch, the next fulfillment when all of a sudden i loose my footing. Life and reality erupt in my world. Discovered affair, loss of a job, financial trouble maybe all of the above. Intense panic sets in feeling like a million needles sticking be all over my body which is the adrenalin. As i plunge into the water the thoughts race through my head "how did i get here" or "how could i be so stupid". Ever been there? I am glad because that little story has nothing to do with the point i want to make.

What would it look like to you if everything that you had built your life upon, every decision you made, every thing you had was all built on lies that you told yourself. For instance: "It was just a strict upbringing", or "he's really cool when he isn't drinking." How about "I really and truly deserved it." Would that cause someone to loose their footing? It seems that i have. I am in the water flailing about and wearily walking back to my bike. The beautiful thing is that i am aware that the fish i didn't catch may have just saved my life. It wouldn't have satisfied anyway. The problem is in the wanting outside of myself.
Today I make the choice to look at the pond of life as a gift that was given to just enjoy. I don't have to extract trophies from it or even seek my approval from it. I choose to just pull up a chair, cast out a line and enjoy the moment.

Consuming System

The world is strong. The more i find myself in the system the more i feel the system taking hold. Worry, doubt, anger, fear, insecurity are all products of living day to day. Last night i watched "The Passion" again. It took on a new meaning than the first time. I saw the world of hierarchy totally miss who was standing in front of them. Because they were so consumed with right or wrong that presents itself in the system as choices, they missed the purity of the Son of God right in front of them. Not only that but they destroyed the Messiah thus fulfilling the prophets of old.
I sincerely pray that i do not become a product of this world. As i have tried for years to be a part of the system, i have discovered that the system is a machine that engulfs everything, strips it of it's purpose and spits it out in its wake. We have been convinced that we need to get on and play the game better than anyone so we can get the most out of it. Truth is that the rewards that the system produces do not quench and do not last, we are left with emptiness. The joy that exists from "being" satisfies. When I relax and stop trying to squeeze what i can out for my benefit, that's when i can see what actions i have been taking and what i have been squeezing. Today i choose to separate myself from the system and stop viewing it as a host to feed my hunger for material things and status. Today i want to look as the system spins and understand that the choice is mine to get on or not.  I have not done a good job of that lately. For the first time because of my lack luster performance, i do not feel a sense of failure but of victory. You see the triumph is acknowledging that the system has its pull. Because i feel the pull and know where it comes from, that means i can resist. The power is in the knowing.

Discovering Now

I look around at all of the captivity that I once was in. Busy going here or there. Countless hour after hour of communicating to someone about what we have done in an effort to gain understanding. I once looked to those around me to confirm that I was accepted and at the same time rejected. The tape plays over and over in my head. "They will soon know how inadequate you are, It's a matter of time before you are found out, Eventually they will see you for the failure you are". The loathing plays over and over and over and over and over again. I try to climb out of the mire to walk upright. Shame had weighed me down to the point that I could not function. Even this very compilation is referencing the past and therefore is futile. Right now the fire is going, the lights are on, i can hear the click of the keys as i touch them and this is the now. This is where life exists. Right now there are no failures, no regrets, no victories to boast about. All there is, is here. I never knew "here" existed. Time was either then or there. The constraints of time begin limiting and confining. Sweetness is breaking through to the timeless paradigm which is now. Along with the now is a sorrow for the slaves of time and the weighted down people who try day in and day out to swim but are tangled by the feet and therefore only are able to tread. For me i became weary and sank. Surrender gave way to awareness of a different way to live. One that is happening and continues to unfold. I am thankful to God for loving me so very much that he made me. I will spend my time regretfully in the system that we have built but escape every time I can to the now. In the now is all around me and always has been but I missed it. Until now.